No Reins

So it is funny!!! I am over him. I am over Ryan. I know it seems like a stretch but I am. I had another conversation today where for once he was not lying. He sounded clean and sober and may take a job out of NY. It would keep him away for a while. He admitted that he lied to me last week about some things. He asked about my animals (who were his old animals). I told him I was mad last week but I got some closure last week and told him that I could only be his friend. That he was right that we were better as just friends. He sounded taken aback by it. I just want him to be honest and as a friend there is no other way.
Previously when I told him that I wanted to be his friend I was doing it with intentions of being his girl friend again. Perhaps it is my new found relationship or perhaps it is just that I don't want to live that life again.
I cannot lie...he also leaked out enough info so I found her on facebook and well she is not as pretty as me. She would not have treated him like I would. That I know. He told me last week that Juliana's family already moved to Florida. Today a little bit of a different story. He also told me that she was moving down to Florida once court was straightened out. She did have court today...however her results will not be posted on there until tomorrow. I will probably do a bit more stalker action.
I wish there were better pictures. I would kind of love to see her track marks. The good news is that her profile picture is not of her and him. He may be honest about them being friends only. Although he did admit to sleeping with her. YUCK...

Lost Hope????

Recently, I have lost all hope that Ryan will get better and come back to me. See Ryan is a Heroin Addict. June 28th, 2011, I learned my boyfriend was a heroin addict. He got arrested for having 17 bags of heroin in his possession. I recently learned he really had 27 bags but ate 10 bags before the cops reached the car.

He called his mother as his one phone call, even though he lived with me, we were moving into a house in Stafford Springs on July 29th, we had lived together for 3 years and I took care of him, and not me. She came to Ryan and my apartment and she told me he was in jail. The word Heroin slipped out of her mouth in slow motion...or at least that is how it played in my ears. I packed up all of his things and sent it home with his mother. I could not live with a heroin addict. He had previously stolen from me. He was asking me for money all of the time, always missing places. Now I knew why and I would not keep living this way.

I was strong for one night, the first night. This was the night he got out of jail and was back with his folks. The next morning I spoke to him, in fact I saw him and then spent the next 24 hours helping him and his mother find a detox facility. Let me say this, I was his biggest advocate in getting him clean. I loved him and wanted to get our life back on track. I wanted that more than anything. If we could get him to stay through detox there was no doubt in my mind we would be better. We got him into a great facility in Mansfield CT. Nanchaug Hospital is the name. I even took out the $1500.00 for the medical deductible he had on his insurance to make sure there were no issues. Yup, I paid for him to get clean. He went into Nanchaug and he would call a couple of times a day to say he loved me and let me know how it was all going. A bug 2 and a 1/2 minute phone call about  4 times a day. On those phone calls, no matter how many tears I cried about the entire situation, he sounded like he was getting better and he sounded like he wanted to.

So as to stop rambling, let me fast forward. He completes his detox, comes out of Nanchaug and gets placed in intensive group rehab in Rockville CT from 9-noon every day for 6 weeks. The first 2 weeks are great. He is back to the Ryan I met and fell in love with. He is back to hanging out with his old , non drug addict friends. He is playing xbox again. He is going places- we fished, went to flea markets and fireworks with our friends. We went out to dinner and were doing things to get ready for the new house. He was staying at the apartment and things seemed great. Then week 3 of rehab happened and Ryan was paired up with Julianna to be his sponsor. She was another recovering heroin addict, but needles were her method of getting high. Ryan's was always snorting. He started talking about her a lot and I got jealous. Well it turns out one week before I close on the house that he dumps me for her. He learns how to shoot up heroin now. He loses his job at work.

I live in the new house without him. I am building a life without him. We talk here and there...depending on his mood because when he is on drugs he is an angry mean person. He only calls me when she is not around. Most of what he says is a lie. I can call him out on it and the story does not change. I recently found out he cheated on me with Julianna 3 days before we broke up. They couldn't wait the 3 days.
I was so mad when I found this out that I vowed to hate him. Yet 5 days has gone by and I forgive him. I just want the best for him. I want him to find what he needs to get better. If he needs me as a friend I will be here but not to be lied too. Part of me will love him forever and ever but not the way it was before. I could never get back together with someone who cheated on me. That is why my hope is lost. Until he tell me the truth I have no hope that the old clean, sober Ryan will ever come back.